God dating is such a slog.
I’ve been meaning to post regularly here but… life has been a lot. I’m finally feeling more human, more energetic, more articulate. For now, the posts will be short, but sweet.
I’ve gone on dates with… several people, since the start of the year. At some point I’ll count. Not dozens but certainly a steady stream. If it makes it to the date, that is. One thing I’ve noticed is that since the pandemic, dating is more fraught. There aren’t new problems, exactly (unless you count needing to suss out someone’s judgement re: risk taking and precautions) so much as old problems are amplified. Some people seem ready to dive in to something intense straight away (yikes) and others keep flaking out of … anxiety? Or maybe just lack of social practice? Or because they only want to chat online but don’t want to admit it?
I’ve also noticed that since turning 40 there’s been a shift. It’s hard to say exactly what it’s been, because the pandemic also muddies things. But I suspect I’ve aged out of people’s age ranges – being 40 makes me too old for anyone who wants kids and yet I still want a family in some form, so there’s overlap between me and those groups, but a confusing overlap. I wonder if at this point I’ll end up just being a step-parent. (I say ‘just’ here with some misgivings, because on the one hand, I’d rather have my status as someone’s parent clear from the start, but also? I’m so ready to help parent someone’s cranky hormonal teenagers. Teenagers are my bag, baby. I’m not sure why, but it might be that I have a lot of compassion for that weird gangly stage in life between child and adult, where you are both and neither, and your feelings are on fire and you don’t understand what the world expects from you. God being a teenager is hard.)
Anyway I’m continuing to book these dates. Mainly with people who I think are real candidates, sometimes with people I think might be interesting to just have a conversation with. I just want to bank as many first dates as possible, without thinking much beyond that at this point. Thinking beyond that is too hard. I worry if my expectations are up, I’ll be disappointed and disappointment is so damn draining.
I also think it might be nice to just find a few cute men to kiss. I mean, there are worse outcomes.
DWF 